I forgot to breathe

The moment that I got into bed last Monday night I was hit with excruciating pain. I rolled onto my right side and it was as if someone injected me with a needle full of pain. I was up all night and I couldn't do anything to escape the pain. Thankfully I have the worlds greatest chiropractor who so generously rescued me.

My body has consistently had a slap in the face way of getting my attention when I am neglecting it. I am fully aware of the warning signs that are sent out before I get completely knocked out but sometimes life gets in the way and we put ourselves and our health on the back burner. 

During my office visit I said to Tim my chiropractor "I really wish my body would stop failing me!" As soon as the words came out of my mouth, my next sentence hit me and I quickly added, "Or, maybe I'm failing my body". 

I also mentioned to Tim that I felt like I had been handling my "stress" aka infertility better this time around. He then asked "are you breathing?" I placed my hands on my belly to take a deep belly breath and was surprised to find that no, I have not been breathing. By not breathing, I mean not properly breathing. Breathing from the belly (diaphragm). I realized that my last proper breath was my most important breath, the breath that brought Delilah into the world. 

My Dr. who has been delivering babies for 20+ years was so impressed with my breathing technique, he still talks about it when I see him. Delilah was in distress and the room flooded with nurses and Dr's who set up for an emergency c-section. Her heart rate was rapidly dropping, the cord was double wrapped around her neck and she was sunny side up. While the room was frantically preparing for a c-section which I desperately did not want to have, my Dr. successfully turned Delilah and her heart rate came back up a little. He asked me if I wanted to try just one push and I said yes. Knowing that I had one shot at this, one shot to deliver my baby with my breath, I gave it my all. With that first breath she flourished and in three breaths, she was on my chest and in my arms. I was silent, and those where the best three breaths that I have ever taken. 

That day, I became a mother to a daughter of my very own. We spent 5 days in the hospital with her due to jaundice. Then we came home and her life was in our hands. Having a child is the greatest gift in the world. There are so many sacrifices worth taking. You do not have nearly as much time or energy to invest in yourself as you had the day before your child was born. 

One of the best things that we can do for our children is take care of ourselves. If we are not well, we can not give our all. Sometimes we think that we are doing our best but then something happens and we realize that we can do better.

I thought that I was doing pretty well handling stress and taking care of myself and I have been but, I can do better. The fact that I have stopped focusing on my breath is really ridiculous. I have spent the last 13 years of my like in the wellness field. I am a trained yoga and pilates instructor and a massage therapist. I have taken many educational courses on breathing and instructed people on how to breath. Somewhere, I stopped listening to myself. 

I am still a working massage therapist. I take clients twice a week after Patrick arrives home from work. A few years back, I stopped teaching yoga and pilates and strictly worked as a massage therapist. I have realized that I need the balance of yoga, pilates and massage to keep my body, mind and spirit in balance. I plan to get back to my personal yoga and pilates routine and to further my education in yoga and pilates and start instructing again. My body can not fail me if I do not fail my body.

Potty training at 19 months.

We started casually potty training this week and it is going better than we ever could have imagined. First let me tell you what got us started at 19 months. 

Since Delilah was born, there has been no such thing as privacy in the bathroom. Our master bath seems to be her favorite room in the house. She imitates my every move in the bathroom and my potty time is no exception. At first I thought it was absolutely hilarious watching her pretend to go potty and shadow me and then I thought if she could pretend, then she might be ready. 

We talked with her pediatrician, who I love, about her potty habits and he said it definitely sounds like she has control and may be ready. She has not pooped in the middle of the night in forever and she poops on a pretty regular schedule everyday (after breakfast, lunch and dinner). She has also been holding her bladder at night. Every morning for the last couple of weeks, her diaper is completely dry and then once she wakes, she lets it all out. So much so that her diaper can't always handle it. The leaky morning diaper has had us crazy washing sheets everyday. We realized that she has to get out of be the instant that she wakes so she does not wet the bed. She follows us to the bathroom every morning so Patrick thought he would just put her on the big potty and see what she did. Well guess what, she went pee pee on the potty and she loved it! The next morning we did the same think and it was a success. She was now keeping her diaper dry throughout the night and then getting up to go pee pee on the potty once she woke up. I was amazed. 

We decided that we would go buy her a potty for training and just casually see if she really was ready. We took her to buy buy baby and she had a blast picking out her potty. They have many potties on display and she pulled them all down, lined them up and tested them out for comfort. We wanted a potty that looked like our potty at home and not like a toy so all of the talking, singing, sparkly potties were instantly ruled out. We found the perfect potty and Delilah was so thrilled to be bringing it home. 

We arrived home just in time for dinner. After dinner Delilah was so interested in her potty that we took it out of the box and set it up in our bathroom. She ran over, pointed at it and said "pee pee" we asked her if she wanted to go pee pee on her potty and she shook her head yes. We took off her diaper and sat her on the potty and guess what, she went pee pee and pooped in the potty. 

We are only a few days in but so far this process has been easy breezy. Every morning she sits on her potty and goes pee pee. When she is done, I put her cloth diaper on. I do let her spend some time without a diaper on in the morning, but not too long just yet. She usually has breakfast very soon after waking and as soon as breakfast is over, her diaper comes off and she sits on the potty until she poops (usually within 5 minutes). Then her cloth diaper goes back on. If she shows interest or tells me that she needs to go pee pee, her diaper comes off and we go to the potty. Every time she sits on the potty she either pees or poops. She also enjoys a good book during the process. The book keeps her seated and seems to keep her calm and comfortable. We do the same thing after lunch and dinner. 

We will continue with this method. It seems to be really working for her. 

My daughters love gets me through a difficult Monday

It was a difficult Monday morning for me. I woke to find out that I am still not pregnant. We are closely approaching 1 year and I would be lying if I said I have much hope left in me for becoming pregnant naturally anymore. I am exhausted and sad and I would like a rainy day to just spend in bed feeling sorry for myself. But, I woke with a spunky toddler who needed me to get going and make her breakfast. I held back most of my emotions and tried to find inspiration in quotes like this one to get me through the morning.

After breakfast and some morning playtime, Delilah and I both took a nap. I now managed to hold myself together to make it to lunch time. Just a few more hours and Patrick would be home and I could take a shower and let the tears flow without Delilah seeing me cry. After some more playtime after lunch and some exercise, I put Delilah down for her afternoon nap. She was tired but fighting it. She wouldn't sleep and kept pulling my hair and trying to sleep like a cat on my head. After 30 minutes of that, I broke down and cried like a child in my daughters arms. She hugged me, kissed me and held my head in her lap gently rubbing my face with so much compassion. I looked into her eyes and felt so much love. She said, "mommy, mommy" so sweetly as she calmed me. It didn't take long and we were both up smiling and laughing and then the front door opened and papa was home. 

Love, Gratitude and a beautiful engagement

I often think about how people are not told enough how special and loved they are. Many of us tend to open up and let our emotions heard after someone is no longer living. Beautiful words that we may have never spoken to them when they were living. I am an emotional person and I am pretty vocal about how I feel. I like to think that the people who I love the most in this world are very aware of my love for them. There have been situations in my past and even present when I have held back and not expressed the feelings in my heart. Expressions of love and gratitude are so important. Some may say I'm mushy, overly emotional or even a bit odd. I may be all of those things but I would rather smother you in love then leave you unsure if I ever loved at all. 

Speaking of love.... Two people who I love immensely had a beautiful engagement last night. In honor of their engagement, I'm going to smother them with love tonight.

Rob, You have been the greatest friend a girl could ever ask for. Some say that girls and guys can't be real friends, I say we have proved them all wrong. Over the past 20 years, I have always had a very real friend in you. You are loyal, protective, considerate and loving. You are a man that all men should inspire to be.

Kathleen, You are the perfect women for Rob. You are genuine, loving, sweet, understanding and compassionate. I love how our friendship has grown and I have loved every minute of the guessing and waiting game with you ;)

You both deserve the very best that life has to offer and I know that you will give your all to each other as you do to your family and friends.

How amazing is this:

Rob hired a photographer to capture the beautiful moment. 

This photo is so gorgeous it has had me mushy all day. 

Congratulations my dear friends!

Photo Credit: David Turner

New blog name reveal

This little blog of mine is expanding and I have some exciting things to come. How do you like the new look? I'm still working on it but I like the fresh new style. I am working on creating a FB page for this blog and I decided that it was time for a new name. 

Starting Now was simple and I like it. When starting this blog, it was perfect at the time and seemed all my own. I have come to find that my Starting Now blog was not the only blog of that name. I don't know why I thought that a name so simple would be uniquely mine but once I found this out, the name had to go. 

This is a great time for a new name. I thought, if I'm going to do it I have to do it now. This is a lifestyle blog. My open journal filled with all kinds of things. Since I am the writer, I wanted a name that symbolized me. I also didn't want to exclude what the future may bring from my new name. 

I found some inspiration in these two photographs below. They both have an Alice in Wonderland dreaminess about them. Delilah inspires me every single day. This photo of her brings me to tears. She is full of wonder and light. In the photo of me, I am 8 months pregnant with Delilah so perfectly captured by Gina Cristine. 

As you can see in the header above, the new name for this blog is:

She dreams & wishes on things

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Flower Garden

For the past 4 years, we have had a vegetable garden in our backyard. It was all the work of my husband. I wish that I could say that I am a seasoned gardener, but that I am not. The garden was his place to de-stress after work. He would come home, go out to the garden and shake off his work day. Unfortunately, we have many animals who enjoy our garden very much. Rabbits, moles and coyotes were turning his zen garden into a nightmare. He spent so much time and money to win the battle but someone was always getting at our vegetables.  

This year we decided to plant a flower garden rather than a vegatable garden and I am so thrilled with the outcome. Patrick prepped the soil in the spring and threw down some wild flower seeds and voila we have a beautiful assortment of wildflowers in our backyard. Now when he walks in the door from work he de-stresses with hours of fun with Delilah.

 I love to take Delilah out back and see her face full of excitement as she runs to the garden yelling "flowers!" Everyday we seem to find a new flower that we did not see the day before. 

Summer adventure: Tippecanoe, Delilah, Notre Dame a new wagon and the beach too.

Summer is quickly coming to an end and we have been soaking up every last minute of summertime fun. Many of our Chicago summers are filled with terribly sticky, hot and humid days that keep us inside cooling in the a/c. This summer has been much cooler with the exception of one miserably hot week. We have been keeping busy which has helped keep us smiling through our difficulties with having another baby. We are so blessed with our one beautiful sweet, adventurous little girl and can't deny the extreme happiness that she fills us with.

Delilah loves adventure and to explore new places. We do our best to expand her horizons and fulfill her sense of wonder. A few weekends ago we took a trip to Indiana to pick up Delilah's brand new ATW Radio Flyer wagon. Patrick insisted that Delilah's red wagon have all terrain wheels and we drove to South Bend Indiana to buy her one. I'm sure that we could have found one locally but we had been talking about taking a beach day and this added to our adventurous day. 

First stop, South Bend Indiana to pick up the wagon. Delilah immediately jumped in and gave it her approval. We then decided to stop at the Tippecanoe House in downtown South Bend for Sunday brunch. We love historical homes and this one did not disappoint. Delilah made herself at home as soon as we walked in the door by removing her shoes. We were seated for brunch in an exquisite dinning room and enjoyed a lovely meal. Delilah was antsy and kept getting up to explore the house just like any little girl in a historical mansion should do. As soon as we were all finished eating, exploring is exactly what we did. We got ourselves into every nook and cranny of this beautiful home inside and out. For about an hr of our day, this house was our very own. 

After leaving the Tippecanoe House, we took a quick tour of the grounds of Notre Dame. It was a very hot day so we didn't stay as long as we would have liked. This was our first time visiting Notre Dame and I must say it is a gorgeous campus. Patrick made sure to tell Delilah many times that he would be ok with her attending college at Notre Dame.

Now we were off to the beach. It was an easy breezy kind of day with not too much of a plan. We drove towards the lake and figured we would just explore and find beach access somewhere. We didn't want to go to an overly crowded beach. We were looking for a beach without a lifeguard, more of a secret spot and we found it. 

We found our way through a beautiful community in Grand Beach, Michigan. We found a nice place to park the car and headed down some secluded steps down to the beach. It was perfect! Not at all crowded and everyone was very friendly. 

We set up a nice little spot for Delilah and she quickly informed us that she needed some serious time to warm up to the beach. The waves were crashing in and I can see how that may have been a bit traumatic for her. She wanted nothing to do with the water or the sand. Our beach time didn't last very long, but for the short time we were there, it sure was peaceful and beautiful. We will continue to take her and I'm certain that one day soon enough she will love the beach. 

Our sweet baby girl is growing into a little lady so very fast. Special days like this mean the world to me.