Twelve in 2014: a portrait project

A portrait project

I am very late to posting my 12 in 2014 May photo but at least we are still in the month of May. I have been very quiet on the blog lately but things have been very, very lively around here. There is so much to share and I will be sharing some very exciting news this week. I hope you are all enjoying the Memorial Day weekend!


Delilah: May 2014

She dresses herself most days. This has been one of her favorite looks this month. 

Catching up! A tiny update and our March through photographs.

Wow, the month of April is flying by. I don't always like when time seems to go so fast, but right now, I welcome it. I have been quiet on here since starting this round of clomid (fertility drugs) on March 31st. It has been going well and I think I have been a bit superstitious to talk about it. We will know soon if this round was a success. We are feeling very hopeful. 

As April is coming to a quick end, I realized that I did not post a March in review through photographs. Here are some of our March highlights. 

 We enjoyed the last couple of big snow storms

  

We kept warm with fun play dates with our friends

We rediscovered the great outdoors as a touch of spring hit the air. This was the 1st time that Delilah rode her trike outside. She has been practicing inside since Christmas and to our surprise she rode it right out the front door and kept on going down the sidewalk. 

We celebrated St. Patrick's Day at the parade 

We ended the month of March with an amazing photo shoot and play date with Snuggles the Bunny. Happy Spring! 

Twelve in 2014 - April

 A Portrait Project

We had one of those weekends last weekend that just makes you feel so alive after a very long cold and dark winter. Spring keeps trying to appear and we are so grateful for days like these when we can enjoy the outdoors and fresh spring air. 

Spring awakening 

Hopeful & optimistic as we begin our new fertility plan

Mondays... I love them, always have. Yesterday (Monday) was the 31st of March. I consider the 31st of March to be the official end of winter. I am usually a BIG fan of winter. This winter was a bit of a challenge though for many reasons. 

Yesterday, was the beginning of our new fertility plan. I love that it just happened to fall on a Monday. My fertility specialist wanted my body to have three months to heal after our loss before we started up treatment. So here we are, three months later with a fresh new plan. 

This is the plan that I have been putting off. Clomid... the fertility drug that I had a few rounds with when trying for Delilah and then went off of due to extreme side effects. It has been a little over three years since I have been on this drug. I have given birth to Delilah and experienced a loss since then. I now believe that whatever side effects come my way with this drug, I can make it through. 

Yesterday, I had an ultrasound to check that my ovaries are clear and healthy before starting up a drug to stimulate them. Good news, my ovaries are clear. I also had a series of blood draws to check my vitamin D levels, hormone levels and thyroid among other things.

I wasn't surprised when I got the call that I have a vitamin D deficiency. I'm sure the majority of people living in the Chicago land area could use some extra D right now.  I made an attempt at getting some D and exercise today while taking Delilah for a stroll and out for some park play. Unfortunately the extreme cold wind had me so bundled up that I couldn't have soaked up the sun. I'll keep taking my supplements and keep trying to get out for some sunny strolls. I ran home from the park pushing the stroller with the wind at my face forcing me back. So I successfully accomplished a good workout and a windburned face. 

Back to Monday, last night was day one of five days of clomid. I take it at bedtime so I had a few hours to get myself to a really positive & relaxed place before my first dose. I made myself a cup of hot tea and ran myself a bath. Unfortunately we have been hit by a nasty cold in our house and all three of us are fighting it together. The energy level around here has been pretty low. To my surprise, Delilah decided that she wanted to bathe me. It was one of the sweetest things ever. She did everything for me that I do for her when she takes a bath. Not only was it incrediably sweet, it was super relaxing. Spa like relaxing. 

After Pat and Delilah were all tucked in bed, I sat and had a moment with my pill. I came to realize that I have to find a way to love this drug. I have to believe that this drug is going to bring us to the place of a healthy pregnancy & the birth of our child. I said a few words and swallowed it down. 

This morning when I woke up, I didn't seem to have any negative side effects. This cold is still dragging me down, but the side effects that I recall from my last time around with clomid have not been an issue today. I'm a bit nauseous, a little crampy and very sleepy. All things that I can handle today. 

So today, April 1st, we are feeling hopeful & optimistic as this stage of our treatment begins. 

Gloomy Thursday thoughts

It's a gloomy day outside today. The kind of day that makes you want to stay inside, stay in your comfy clothes, eat homemade soup, light some candles and snuggle on the couch. That is exactly what Delilah and I are doing today. She is currently napping and fighting off a cold while I sit at the dining room table with a hot bowl of soup and my thoughts. 

This gloomy day is welcomed today as another cycle has ended with a negative test. After weeks of feeling ill from another round of progesterone, now I enter into the withdrawal phase as I go off the progesterone and prepare to start a round of clomid. 

I go back and forth in my mind and heart on how much longer I can go on with this. My body is taking a hard hit and it breaks my heart every time that I have to tell Delilah that mommy is sick and I have to rest. I don't want her to see me this way and I don't want her to remember me this way. But I know that she wants this baby just as much as we do and I don't want to give up without knowing that we did absolutely everything that we could for a 2nd child. 

There isn't any part of me that wants to go on clomid. I have tried to find every possible way out but this drug seems to be our only hope. I have to find a way to love and accept this drug. I think about the babies that I personally know who were conceived with the help of clomid. Their sweet faces give me hope and strength for this next round. 

Artist: Erik Otto

Physical & emotional healing and enlightenment after miscarrying

 Over the past three months, I have learned a great deal about myself, through this process of miscarrying, grieving and recovering. In the beginning, I hated my body. I was told by my Dr that my uterus was weak and could not hold my perfectly healthy baby. After over a year of trying again for our second child and then finally becoming pregnant only to miscarry, I was angry. I was really very angry. 

I feel my pregnancies instantly and from day one I connect strongly to the child that is growing inside me. Maybe it's the fact that it takes me so long to conceive or maybe that is just my motherly instinct. When I was pregnant with Delilah, my hands were permentry implanted on my lower belly. I was the pregnant girl who could not stop rubbing her own belly. With this pregnancy, we found out at eight weeks that we may lose the baby. From eight weeks until the end at ten weeks, a part of me was numb. I was at rest for two weeks while we waited. Every part of me thought every positive thought I could produce in my mind. I tried my very best to stay calm, strong and positive for the health of myself and my pregnancy. With every test and results call from my Dr the outcome would worsen. I felt my baby fighting to hold on and I wasn't going to give up. Then on the morning of December 23rd, I woke to what I knew was the end. 

The process of naturally miscarrying is graphic, and one if not the most heartbreaking experience of my life. I won't go into detail because the heartbreaking truth is one that I wish no women or man should ever bear or witness. Every miscarriage experience is different I'm sure but for me, I was not willing to part with my baby or except the loss. The image of my baby who was the size of my thumb, will forever be with me. 

One month later, I was given the ok from my Dr. to try again. I was very eager to get pregnant again, and I was hopeful that this would happen for us quickly. It didn't happen and I once again found myself angry. Now I was angry and dealing with physical pain. After neglecting my body and making myself experience the physical pain that was worsening for weeks I sought treatment and there begins my process of properly healing. 

Since miscarrying in December, I have been curved inward protecting my empty womb. My shoulders were also rounded forward and inward to protect my heart. I was holding in and protecting the sadness that was within me. Sadness that I did not let myself fully express. 

As mothers, we naturally feel and our told often that sadness is not ok to experience when we have already been given the greatest gift of a healthy child. I am beyond blessed and ever so grateful to have Delilah as my daughter. My love for her is overflowing and fills me completely. That being said, this process of infertility and loss is still very stressful and painful at times. I have learned that the grieving process is a healthy one and that as a mother it is still ok to feel sadness over this topic and experience. I am not at all spending my days alone, in bed sobbing. To the contrary, my days are filled with happiness & laughter. It is impossible to not smile and giggle in the presence of Delilah. But there are some days when I am sitting alone that I do feel sadness over this journey. Over the past few weeks throughout the process of healing the physical pain that my body was producing, I have learned that allowing myself to feel sadness and to accept it is not only ok but a necessary emotion needed to be expressed to move forward. Since this enlightenment, I am physically and emotionally feeling so much better. 

Once again we are moving forward and still very hopeful that someday we will be blessed with another child. 

February in review: Through Photographs