Deep thoughts on Gratitude & Sadness

The hard drive in my iMac fried. I knew the day would come as it had reached what apple calls vintage status (5 years old) and it had been acting up for some time now. Blogging from my iPad or iPhone just isn't the same. I need to be in my office, at my desk during my sacred alone time with pandora radio on. There is a short window in each day when I get that sacred alone time. It's called nap time and bed time. This doesn't mean that I do not love every minute of my time with Delilah. Everyone needs some alone time each day. Its good for the soul. 

Thankfully my new iMac has arrived! I am back in my office, at my desk with pandora radio on enjoying some me time. My mind is full of thoughts as the last two weeks have been pretty eventful. During my little downtime from the blog, I received some very sweet emails, check-ins and well wishes regarding our infertility struggles. These sweet, thoughtful messages mean so much to me. I have really started to learn who I can and can not talk to about this. 

The reason why I share my story is because my situation might just help one other women not feel alone in this. I am very much aware that their are other women/couples whose infertility struggles are far more challenging then mine. I have many people in my life who are facing infertility and unsure of what the future will hold for them. I am so grateful for the women in my life who share their stories with me. Thanks to one of them, we now have a new fertility Doctor. 

I know how very blessed that we are to have Delilah in our life. If you know me personally, you know that she means the world to me. Nothing could take that away from me. Everyday I am eternally grateful that she is mine. If she is the only child that we ever have I will always feel eternally blessed. 

I could never sit here and say that I do not feel sadness over the fact that we have not been able to have another child up to this point. In some ways, trying for our 2nd and not being able to get pregnant brings on more emotion than the first time around. This time we do have one very amazing child. One very amazing child who we so desperately want to give a sibling. This baby is for all of us. I am human and I experience human emotions. I fully believe that it is ok to feel extremely blessed, eternally grateful and full of joy and still feel sadness at the same time.

A sweet message from my sweet friend Jessica

Baby update: Here we go again

My Dr. called today. As soon as I heard his voice on the line and not the voice of a nurse I knew what he was calling to tell me. Last Friday I had my blood drawn, the 8th tube of blood that I had drawn last week. This blood draw was to check my progesterone levels. He called to tell me that the results were not good. My levels were low, very, very low. Too low to produce an egg. The decision has now been made that we will move forward with fertility treatments. 

I was a little teary eyed when I got off the phone with my Dr. I think my spirit was a little broken. I tried every natural treatment out there for infertility and I was determined to get pregnant naturally. I also think hearing that I am not producing eggs made me feel inadequate as a women. I'm sure that there is also some fear involved. Fear of the illness that came last time I was on these meds. Fears of how I will care for my daughter while going through this process and fears that I will not become pregnant with the meds. But... there is also hope. Hope that this is it. Hope that in the next few months, I will be pregnant. 

After finding out this news, I called my general practitioner to find out if the results were in on my physical which involved 7 additional tubes of blood drawn. I figured if there was bad news there I might as well take it all in today. What I found out is that my b12 levels are sky high. I do not eat red meat so I take a b12 supplement pretty consistently. There is also b12 in my prenatal vitamin which I have been taking for 3 years. I was told to immediately stop taking the b12 supplement. I also found out that I have a vitamin D deficiency. It is so low that I was given a vitamin D prescription. I was so happy to hear that other that some vitamin issues, I am totally healthy. 

Here's to hoping that this next journey is a short, smooth, successful one with the greatest gift at the end of the road. 

Round One: Fertility Treatments

Here we go again. As some of you may already know or have read in past posts, we have been trying for another baby. We struggled with fertility in getting pregnant with Delilah but for some reason, maybe just wishful thinking, I thought that it would be an easier process this time around. I was actually very surprised month after month when I was not pregnant. I thought that we had it all figured out this time around. I have been relatively calm and relaxed and much less emotional throughout this process this time. However, with each passing month, it becomes a little more heartbreaking and fears of not being able to have another baby set in. This past month, I found myself breaking down. It didn't last long since I was hiding in the bathroom so Delilah didn't see me cry and now that she can open doors she came running in and gave me a big hug and a kiss and before I knew it I was laughing hysterically on the bathroom floor with my sweet baby girl. 

Yesterday, my Dr. labeled me with unexplained infertility again. This label makes me crazy. There has to be an explanation and I am determined to figure it out. My body was made to carry children and I will carry another baby. My Dr. explained to me that it is time to start fertility treatments again. I said absolutely everything to try and change his mind or talk him out of it but he feels strongly that this is what we need to do. I love my Dr. and I have full trust in him but my last experience with fertility drugs was not a pleasant one. I don't even like to take 1 Advil for an aggressive migraine. If there is a way that is drug free, that's the way for me. These drugs are aggressive and the side effects are awful. My prescription was called in and it is sitting in a bag waiting for me to pick it up. I am set to start my first round on Monday. If I do not start on Monday, I will have to wait another month. I keep going back and forth in my mind on if I want to just get started and stop putting off the inevitable, or if I want to give it one more month in hopes that a miracle will happen. 

To be continued.