Twelve in 2014 - January

I am linking up with one of my favorite bloggers Jessica over at My baby birds for a Twelve in 2014 portrait project. On the 15th of every month in 2014 I will post one photo of my sweet Delilah. Delilah just turned 2 this month and I love the idea of capturing one photo of her each month of her 2nd year to share. My goal is to focus on capturing her personality and spirit in photo. 

Classic Delilah 

Digging Deep

I have recently been digging deep and looking for the good in the bad that we experienced a few weeks ago. I have had many inspiring conversations with some wonderful friends. I so much appreciate all of the ears that have been here to listen and the eyes and fingers that shared so many texts and messages. I have learned more about myself and more about many important people in my life. 

Digging deep is bringing me back to me. There are so many wonderful things that come with becoming a wife & mother. I wouldn't change any of it but I have realized that these past few years I have lost a little bit of me. There are parts of me, parts of my daily life that I need to always make time for and never let go of. Caring for Delilah is the most important thing in my life but when you are caring for others, you must never let go of caring for yourself. 

I lived alone for 10 years of my life. In those 10 years of my life, I had a whole lot of time to be me. I had responsibilities, jobs, bills, friendships and relationships but every morning when I woke up, I had the ability to do whatever I wanted. When I wanted to pick up and move, I did. In fact, I moved every year of those 10 years. I wandered but I was not lost. Back then, I handled heartache, fear and disappointment much differently that I find myself handling it now. I credit that to being older, wiser and having stability in my life.

But, when it was just me, all of the space was mine. All of the space was my sacred, spiritual space. I haven't learned how to find my sacred, spiritual place in my current living space. When Patrick & I met, he owned this home. Its a very nice home, but it never felt like my home. It was very much a bachelor home when I moved in and we warmed it up with some of my influence but we always planned on selling and never planned on being here as long as we have been. 

We are selling now and we are on the hunt to find a place to call our home. A place that has that special place for all of us to feel connected and to disconnect when needed. Patrick's place to disconnect is definitely the garage. Me, I need a space that is all my own. A place where I can heal and be healed. A place where I can meditate, practice yoga and give and receive massage. A space that smells of incense, oils and me. A place where I can quietly read, think, create and connect to my spiritual self. 

For now, I have to create that space within myself. Last night I pulled out one of many storage bins filled with spiritual books. I have not given myself the time to sit quietly and read an inspiring book in much too long. I pulled out Urban Shaman, found a quiet place and sat alone to read. I read until my eyes closed. Now, I am going to pick up my book, find my quiet place and sit down alone to read myself to sleep. 

One good that I have learned from this bad is that it is more than ok and very important to make some time for yourself to just be.

2013 Blessings

New Year's Day is one of my favorite days of the year. I love a new year, a fresh start. These past few weeks have been very difficult as we were hit hard with an incredible loss. The promise of a new year filled with new blessings gives us a bit of a lift. 2013 ended in sadness, but there was so much in 2013 that blessed us. 

As 2014 begins, here is an A-Z look back of some of our 2013 blessing. 

     A- Apple Orchards - We celebrated fall and had a beautiful, fun filled day at an amazing apple orchard and many pumpkin patches. Can't wait for fall 2014.

B- Beach - We hit the beach on a few very warm summer days. Delilah did not fall in love with the beach, maybe 2014 will be the year she falls in love.

C- Christmas - Christmas came on a very sad week for us but we had a very special day with family and Delilah's Christmas morning was beautiful and blessed. 

D- Delilah - Our greatest blessing.

E- Ellie-Mae - Man, woman & child's best friend. 

F- Friendships - Patrick, Delilah and I are blessed to have wonderful friends that we are very grateful for. 

G- Gatherings - Getting together with groups of people we love all at one place.

H- Health - This year my dad hit the 5 years after cancer mark which now means we can say cancer free.

I- Income- We are blessed to have jobs that provide us with steady income, food on our plate and a roof over our head. 

J- Jingles - Delilah loves music! She makes her own, loves when she hears a jingle or song and insists on everyone dancing. 

K- Kindness - The kindness that we give and receive. 

L- Love - We love & we are loved. 

M- Morton Arboretum - Our favorite place to visit year round. Many wonderful memories have been made here. 

N- Nieces & Nephews - They are the best!

O- Orlowicz family - It was the hottest day of the year but we had some quality, carnival face time during their quick visit. 

P- Pregnancy - We tried all year and towards the end we were expecting. We lost this pregnancy but we were blessed for the short time our baby was growing inside me. 

Q- Quiet - Quiet times are always a gift.

R- Road trips - We explored and discovered new places. 

S- Sleep - We got some, almost enough. 

T- Travel - We were blessed with safe travels by air and car. 

U- Uganda - We were blessed with information about orphanages in Uganda and what we were able to do to help. Helping others is always a blessing. 

V- Vacations - Special times with our little family. 

W- Wagon rides - Horse drawn in the winter and tractor pulled in the fall, we fell in love with wagon rides this year. 

X- XOXO - So many hugs & kisses.

Y- Yummies - Our growing toddler would probably put yummies at the top of her 2013 blessings list. 

Z- Zoo - Its always a process to get to and the crowds are a bit much but we always leave with a smile on our face. Delilah loves tropical world and monkeys. 

May you all be very blessed in 2014. Happy New Year! 

With a heavy heart & great sadness: our miscarriage

On the day that this photo was taken, December 1st I was pregnant with our 2nd child. We were up north at a Christmas tree farm and it was one of our happiest days as a family. My husband looked at me in a field of trees and said "wow you are pregnant", he saw the glow. 

After over a year of trying for baby #2, we were over the moon excited over this pregnancy and our hearts were filled with an abundance of joy. We had not yet shared the news with our family and friends as I was still in my first trimester. 

On December 14th we had a little early birthday celebration at our house for Delilah's upcoming 2nd birthday. When Delilah blew out her birthday candles we shared the news that we were expecting with our family and close friends. We had my mom & dad live on FaceTime since they could not be here with us. It was an exciting and beautiful moment.

The next morning, December 15th I had a small bleed. Patrick was certain that it was nothing to worry about and that this was a normal part of a 2nd pregnancy. I got into bed and cried as my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I knew in my heart that something was wrong. 

The next day I had an ultrasound and blood test. We saw our baby on the screen and a bleed next to the baby. Now we had to sit and wait for radiology and lab to come back with result. 

On the night of my birthday, December 17th my Dr called and gave us the news. Somewhere in the middle of that conversation and the abundance of grim information, everything became a blur. 

My lining was weak and not supporting the pregnancy. My progesterone & hcg levels were very low. I was immediately prescribed progesterone and given a 50/50 chance that this pregnancy would survive. This was a perfectly healthy baby, my baby and my body was not supporting it. The only thing that I could do was rest, wait and pray.

Every 48hrs I had my blood drawn to test my levels. Every other day my Dr would call and the news was worse with each call. On December 19th he called and told me that he was 90% certain that I would miscarry. 

I continued to rest, wait and pray with a very heavy heart. 

8 days after the small bleed, On December 23rd I miscarried. 

This has been terribly painful and heartbreaking. This process is very long. I continue to have my blood drawn as my Dr must now track my levels down to zero. Last night I had another ultrasound where we saw an empty screen.  

There are some incredibly strong women in my life who have shared their stories with me. Their strength has lifted me through this. I will be forever grateful for all of the love and support that we have been given. 

We have the most loving and compassionate child. I did not want her to be witness to this or to see and feel my sadness. It was not possible to keep her from all of this. Having her by my side has given me strength that I never had before she was in my life. She held my face in her hands, looked deep into my eyes, wiped every tear away and told me "it will be ok mommy". 

Holiday Gift Guide Review & Giveaway: GooseWaddle

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed some extra special time with your loved ones. Now that Thanksgiving is over, the Christmas shopping rush has begun. I would love to share with you some of my favorite things that are excellent gifts to give this holiday season. 

It's getting chilly here in Chicago and I love nothing more than some sweet cuddle time with my daughter and a really special blanket on a wintry, chilly day. My sweet baby has just now started to discover "Blankies". When she says the word "Blankie", my heart melts and when she grabs one and snuggles up with, I just want to snuggle her to pieces. 

GooseWaddle is an amazing company that specializes in what they call ultra-high-quality blankets, a statement that I definitely agree with. Their super snugly blankets are available in classic colors white, pink and blue. If you ask me, their is nothing sweeter than a sweet baby wrapped up and cuddly in a white, fluffy blanket. I am just wild about white blankets and babies. There is just something so pure and sweet in the combination. GooseWaddles business statement is "It's fun to feel loved", how sweet is that! I only wish they made an adult size blanket.

GooseWaddle first won my heart when I read about their buy 1 give 1 campaign. With every single blanket that is purchased, a blanket is donated to a child in need. They are making a positive change in the world and by purchasing a blanket, you can help make a difference worldwide also. How wonderful is it to know that in this season of giving, a blanket that you purchase as a gift for a special child in your life will also be giving another special child in the world the warmth and love of an extra special GooseWaddle blanket of their own. 

GooseWaddle has such generous hearts that they want to give one of my readers a very special GooseWaddle blanket of their own this holiday season. Just enter the giveaway below and that lucky person just may be you! Good Luck!

May your holidays be filled with love, laughter and warm snugly blankets! 

 GooseWaddle

http://www.goosewaddle.com

https://www.facebook.com/goosewaddle

a Rafflecopter giveaway

It's soup season. A vegetarian & non-vegitarian recipe.

Most of the cooking in our house is done by my husband. Why, because he has skills that I just do not have. There are many things that I can do in the kitchen, and a few things that I can make very well, but there are also things in the kitchen that I won't even consider, like cooking meat. Patrick loves to cook, but he would also like me to do a little more of the cooking. He grocery shops and cleans also. The cleaning is due to his compulsion. He will not sit down to eat until the kitchen is totally clean or at least very organized. I just don't work like that. I would do it, and I do help out, but he usually has everything all clean before I finish eating. A lot of the time we grocery shop as a family. It is just one of those things that we like to do together but we will also both run out individually to grab something that we need for dinner that night. 

I am in charge of all of the meal planning. There are many things that I do not eat. I am a pesco pollo vegetarian. I do not eat any red meat but I do eat chicken, turkey and fish on occasion. At the age of 11 I became a lacto vegetarian. I did not eat red meat, chicken or fish for about 15 years. I constantly have to deal with people trying to get me to eat red meat and it drives me crazy. It's never going to happen so leave me alone. So many people just don't understand vegetarianism. I am also currently living gluten free. I have been on and off gluten for the past few years and I just feel so much better when there isn't any gluten in my diet. It has been 1 month now and I'm going to do my best to continue to resist all foods with gluten. My husband has a loaf of banana bread from whole foods sitting on the counter. I wish he would eat it already so it stops staring at me. 

There are so many options out there and wonderful recipes that are both gluten free and vegetarian. It's soup season and soup is one thing that I do and I do well. This is a combination that we love that can be made vegetarian/gluten free & non-vegetarian but still gluten free for you meat eaters. 

Vegetarian/Gluten Free Version

Butternut & Vegetable Soup

Ingredients: 1.Vegetable Broth 2.Butternut Squash 3.Green Beans 4.Carrots 5.Celery 6.Spinach 7.White Beans 8. Onion, herbs & spices to your taste

Turkey Butternut Soup

Ingredients: 1.Chicken broth 2.Ground White Turkey 3.Butternut 4.Carrots 5.Celery 6.Spinach 7.Green Beans 8. Onion, herbs & spices to your taste


That's it, so simple. That isn't so much of a recipe as it is a list of ingredients. I don't measure any of this so I can't give you exact measurements but it is a great combo. My daughter (22m) loves it, both ways. We strain hers so there is very limited broth so she doesn't make a huge mess. My husband also strains his sometimes and throws it over rice which is a great way to make it a new meal with leftovers. Enjoy! Stay warm. 

Deep thoughts on Gratitude & Sadness

The hard drive in my iMac fried. I knew the day would come as it had reached what apple calls vintage status (5 years old) and it had been acting up for some time now. Blogging from my iPad or iPhone just isn't the same. I need to be in my office, at my desk during my sacred alone time with pandora radio on. There is a short window in each day when I get that sacred alone time. It's called nap time and bed time. This doesn't mean that I do not love every minute of my time with Delilah. Everyone needs some alone time each day. Its good for the soul. 

Thankfully my new iMac has arrived! I am back in my office, at my desk with pandora radio on enjoying some me time. My mind is full of thoughts as the last two weeks have been pretty eventful. During my little downtime from the blog, I received some very sweet emails, check-ins and well wishes regarding our infertility struggles. These sweet, thoughtful messages mean so much to me. I have really started to learn who I can and can not talk to about this. 

The reason why I share my story is because my situation might just help one other women not feel alone in this. I am very much aware that their are other women/couples whose infertility struggles are far more challenging then mine. I have many people in my life who are facing infertility and unsure of what the future will hold for them. I am so grateful for the women in my life who share their stories with me. Thanks to one of them, we now have a new fertility Doctor. 

I know how very blessed that we are to have Delilah in our life. If you know me personally, you know that she means the world to me. Nothing could take that away from me. Everyday I am eternally grateful that she is mine. If she is the only child that we ever have I will always feel eternally blessed. 

I could never sit here and say that I do not feel sadness over the fact that we have not been able to have another child up to this point. In some ways, trying for our 2nd and not being able to get pregnant brings on more emotion than the first time around. This time we do have one very amazing child. One very amazing child who we so desperately want to give a sibling. This baby is for all of us. I am human and I experience human emotions. I fully believe that it is ok to feel extremely blessed, eternally grateful and full of joy and still feel sadness at the same time.

A sweet message from my sweet friend Jessica