Thursday, March 27, 2014

Gloomy Thursday thoughts

It's a gloomy day outside today. The kind of day that makes you want to stay inside, stay in your comfy clothes, eat homemade soup, light some candles and snuggle on the couch. That is exactly what Delilah and I are doing today. She is currently napping and fighting off a cold while I sit at the dining room table with a hot bowl of soup and my thoughts. 

This gloomy day is welcomed today as another cycle has ended with a negative test. After weeks of feeling ill from another round of progesterone, now I enter into the withdrawal phase as I go off the progesterone and prepare to start a round of clomid. 

I go back and forth in my mind and heart on how much longer I can go on with this. My body is taking a hard hit and it breaks my heart every time that I have to tell Delilah that mommy is sick and I have to rest. I don't want her to see me this way and I don't want her to remember me this way. But I know that she wants this baby just as much as we do and I don't want to give up without knowing that we did absolutely everything that we could for a 2nd child. 

There isn't any part of me that wants to go on clomid. I have tried to find every possible way out but this drug seems to be our only hope. I have to find a way to love and accept this drug. I think about the babies that I personally know who were conceived with the help of clomid. Their sweet faces give me hope and strength for this next round. 

Artist: Erik Otto

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Physical & emotional healing and enlightenment after miscarrying

 Over the past three months, I have learned a great deal about myself, through this process of miscarrying, grieving and recovering. In the beginning, I hated my body. I was told by my Dr that my uterus was weak and could not hold my perfectly healthy baby. After over a year of trying again for our second child and then finally becoming pregnant only to miscarry, I was angry. I was really very angry. 

I feel my pregnancies instantly and from day one I connect strongly to the child that is growing inside me. Maybe it's the fact that it takes me so long to conceive or maybe that is just my motherly instinct. When I was pregnant with Delilah, my hands were permentry implanted on my lower belly. I was the pregnant girl who could not stop rubbing her own belly. With this pregnancy, we found out at eight weeks that we may lose the baby. From eight weeks until the end at ten weeks, a part of me was numb. I was at rest for two weeks while we waited. Every part of me thought every positive thought I could produce in my mind. I tried my very best to stay calm, strong and positive for the health of myself and my pregnancy. With every test and results call from my Dr the outcome would worsen. I felt my baby fighting to hold on and I wasn't going to give up. Then on the morning of December 23rd, I woke to what I knew was the end. 

The process of naturally miscarrying is graphic, and one if not the most heartbreaking experience of my life. I won't go into detail because the heartbreaking truth is one that I wish no women or man should ever bear or witness. Every miscarriage experience is different I'm sure but for me, I was not willing to part with my baby or except the loss. The image of my baby who was the size of my thumb, will forever be with me. 

One month later, I was given the ok from my Dr. to try again. I was very eager to get pregnant again, and I was hopeful that this would happen for us quickly. It didn't happen and I once again found myself angry. Now I was angry and dealing with physical pain. After neglecting my body and making myself experience the physical pain that was worsening for weeks I sought treatment and there begins my process of properly healing. 

Since miscarrying in December, I have been curved inward protecting my empty womb. My shoulders were also rounded forward and inward to protect my heart. I was holding in and protecting the sadness that was within me. Sadness that I did not let myself fully express. 

As mothers, we naturally feel and our told often that sadness is not ok to experience when we have already been given the greatest gift of a healthy child. I am beyond blessed and ever so grateful to have Delilah as my daughter. My love for her is overflowing and fills me completely. That being said, this process of infertility and loss is still very stressful and painful at times. I have learned that the grieving process is a healthy one and that as a mother it is still ok to feel sadness over this topic and experience. I am not at all spending my days alone, in bed sobbing. To the contrary, my days are filled with happiness & laughter. It is impossible to not smile and giggle in the presence of Delilah. But there are some days when I am sitting alone that I do feel sadness over this journey. Over the past few weeks throughout the process of healing the physical pain that my body was producing, I have learned that allowing myself to feel sadness and to accept it is not only ok but a necessary emotion needed to be expressed to move forward. Since this enlightenment, I am physically and emotionally feeling so much better. 

Once again we are moving forward and still very hopeful that someday we will be blessed with another child.