Monday, June 23, 2014

Delilah's first dance recital

Back in January, just a few days after her 2nd birthday, Delilah started Twinkle Tots dance class. Her dance class is a 45 minute tap & ballet class filled with adorable two & three year old girls. Pat & I both went to class every week to watch her dance. Watching a child dance, filled with joy, individuality and a free spirit is one of the most uplifting & inspiring sights to see. 

This six month dance session came to an end with a spectacular summer recital. Delilah had a full dress rehearsal on stage in full costume and makeup the night before the big show. She also had class & individual photos that day. At the dress rehearsal I was waiting in the theater while Delilah was taken backstage without me, for her photos and to wait for her class to take the stage. This was a huge my baby is no longer a baby moment for me. About 30 minutes later Delilah's class came out on the dark stage. The bright stage lights came on and there was my baby squinting her eyes saying "mom, mama" I waived my arms up and said "here I am baby" she gave me the biggest smile, jumped up and down and said "I'm dancing on stage mama!" A star was born. Her class rehearsed their dance twice and Delilah put on a big performance. She did many of the choreographed moves and added many of her own. She received some big cheers and happy laughs from the crowd. Her performance was absolute perfection to me. She came off the stage so excited and so proud of herself. 

At the end of her rehearsal day she said to me "again Mama", she couldn't wait to dance on stage again and she got to do it all over again the very next day for her big show which was amazing. Summer classes start this week and Delilah can't wait to get back into class and dance with her friends. 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Pregnancy update: Twin b is happy & healthy

Two weeks after finding out that we lost one of our twins we had another ultrasound to check on our surviving twin b. Two weeks ago I had absolutely no desire to go to this ultrasound appointment. I wasn't sure if they were still going to show me both babies or just the surviving twin. If they only showed me the one, I didn't know how that would make me feel after seeing both of my beautiful babies growing within me. It took me about 10 days to emotionally digest the loss of another baby. I never though that this would happen to us when it happened in December and there was absolutely no thought in my mind that this would happen again. 

A couple of days before this ultrasound I was ready and now very much wanting to see our baby. I was very calm and at ease on the way to our appointment. As soon as the ultrasound began, I was looking away from the screen. I finally turned my head to see our beautiful baby (twin b). As soon as my eyes hit the screen, baby b put on a big dance routine. It was the happiest dance that I have ever witnessed. We laughed & cried as our baby seemed to be telling us "look at me, I'm happy & healthy!"

I have now graduated from the fertility specialist and next week I see my regular ob/gyn for my first prenatal visit with him this pregnancy. I'm hoping that this next step will make things start to feel like a regular/normal pregnancy. I'm excited and hopeful to now start being able to share beautiful & happy stories of a pregnancy journey with a very happy ending. 

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Our twins story

As I try to cope with the loss of one of our twins, I've been thinking back on the joy that this twin pregnancy brought me. I didn't want the story of our twins to be untold. 

After miscarrying in December, finding out that we were expecting again was extremely exciting. I was overjoyed and certain that this was going to be a successful pregnancy. There was not a thought in my mind that I would miscarry again. 

I woke up one morning with Delilah by my side. When she opened her eyes she looked at me and said "mama is having two babies, sister please!" I wasn't supposed to take a pregnancy test for a few more days. I was feeling pregnant, it hits me instantly every pregnancy, and I could get her words out of my mind all day. The following morning I took a test and it was instantly positive. 

That morning I went to my Dr and had a blood test. A few hours later I received a call that pregnancy hormones were flowing through my body and my numbers were excellent. They continued to draw my blood every 48hrs and my numbers continued to rise dramatically. I was definitely pregnant and feeling it. 

Morning/all day sickness came on strong and became so bad that I ended up in the hospital. While in the ER, I had an ultrasound. Our first ultrasound was scheduled with my Dr for the following morning. The ER ultrasound ended up being my first ultrasound for this pregnancy. In the ER, they do not show you or tell you anything during the ultrasound. It was terrifying. 

After one of the sickest days of my life and an all nighter in the ER, I lay freezing in my hospital bed at 5am waiting for the Dr to come in with the ultrasound results from radiology. Finally the Dr came in and said "the BABIES look great!" I was beyond thrilled to be expecting twins! It was an absolute dream come true. 

After a very long night, I was discharged from the hospital just in time to make it to our scheduled ultrasound with my Dr. We were finally able to see our two beautiful babies! They were side by side and absolutely perfect. We saw and heard their heartbeats and their hearts, growth & development were perfect. I was overjoyed and felt like the luckiest girl in the world even though the pregnancy sickness has been absolutely awful. Our next ultrasound was scheduled for two weeks later. My Dr continued to track my hormones with blood test and my numbers continued to be excellent. 

This past Thursday we went in for our ultrasound. I was so excited to see our babies again and to see how much they have grown in the past two weeks. Right away both babies came up looking absolutely perfect on the screen. They had grown beautifully and their measurements were absolutely perfect. If you read my last blog post, you know what happen next. One baby's heart stopped beating. 

I fell apart over this news. I was looking at my babies side by side so perfect. How is it that ones heart can just stop beating? 

The past few days have been extremely difficult. I greatly appreciate all of the sweet messages, support and encouragement. I know that I have to be strong for the other baby, myself, Delilah & my family but I also need to feel this and let myself grieve.